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"Profiles In Confusion" - The Gals

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NAME: Cynthia Dunn

FORMATIVE EXPERIENCE: Cynthia sees her first Bob Dylan show from the vantage
of her mother's knee when she is four years old.

HEROINES: Amelia Earhart, Gloria Steinem, and the courageous war
correspondent and former Hemingway spouse Martha Gellhorn.

ADOLESCENT BIBLE: "Diaries of Che Guevara," whom she considers the sexiest
man in history, along with Bobby Kennedy.

FAVORITE MOVIE: "Chinatown." Her parents applaud it as a dark parable of
capitalism but she secretly loves it because Jack Nicholson's weary wiseass
quality is somehow even more exciting than Che's burning nobility.

STRANGE FEELINGS: Unimpressed by stories of promiscuity that, if true, would
rank her high school alongside Caligula's Rome, she is moved to genuine
curiosity by Nicholson's post-coital scene in "Chinatown" with Faye Dunaway.
A born researcher, she scours her parents' massive library, turning up the
Chinese classic "A Carnal Prayer Mat," Anais Nin's "Delta of Venus," the Kama
Sutra, "Fanny Hill," and to her surprise, Jacqueline Susann's "Valley of the
Dolls." She uses her newfound knowledge of fetishes and kinks to shock
loudmouthed peers at school.

SEX: High school boys are either morons or klutzes. Decides to wait.

FAVORITE RECORDS: Todd Rundgren's "Something/Anything?," and David Bowie's
"Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars," which convinces her all the Black
Sabbath fans at school must have terminal brain damage.

FAVORITE LEADING LADY: Diane Keaton; she still exudes a genuine vulnerable
sexuality even when resorting to "Woody Allen" simpering.

RECENT ACCOMPLISHMENT: Writing a monthly movie column for her high school


BRADY BUDDY: Jan, the misunderstood middle sister. She's got the brains, the
braces, the glasses, the acne and the gurgling little sister.

DREAM JOB: Film critic or television news producer like Mary Richards on "The
Mary Tyler Moore Show," but with more radical content.

PERSONAL AMBITIONS: Attend Vassar, lose virginity, live in Europe, and write
a novel.

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ROLE MODEL: Barbara Stanwyck in Samuel Fuller's "Forty Guns," seen on the
Late Late Show wile her parents are at a cocktail party and her sitter's busy
making out. She is deeply, indelibly impressed by Stanwyck's portrayal of
"hard drivin' woman with a whip."

SUCCESS SECRETS: At 13, catches her mother kissing one of her father's junior
employees. Uses this information to secure flexible curfew hours and a more
generous clothing allowance.

HEROINES: While other little girls pass the time with "Charlotte's Web" and
"True Romance" comics, Darla raids her mother's bookshelf and discovers "Miss
Tallulah Bankhead" by Lee Israel, a biography of the brilliant, sexually
insatiable actress of the forties and fifties.

FAVORITE SONG: "Dream On." (Steven Tyler has a better jaw and lip structure
than Mick Jagger and Marc Bolan combined).

ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Masters Elizabeth Taylor's beauty secrets as reported in

SOPHOMORE YEAR SCANDAL: Seduces, then abandons star quarterback Joe Huckabee,
whose despair over losing her makes him blow several touchdown passes and
ruins his chances for an athletic scholarship at the University of Oklahoma.

FAVORITE BEVERAGE: Jack Daniels (in honor of Keith Richards) mixed with

DREAM DILEMMA: David Soul and Paul Michael Glaser asking her out at the same
time on the same night; although keeping it a secret from the other would be
almost impossible because they're partners.

DREAM MUSCLE: A taut tricep. It should look like the letter "R."

DREAM ANGEL: Kate Jackson, hands down. No one runs in a flaxen pants suit
with a .38 caliber like Sabrina.

PERSONAL AMBITIONS: Go national with "Go Ask Darla" high school column;
perhaps enter politics.

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NAME: Jodi Kramer

EARLY MUSICAL FAVE: TV's "Banana Splits," particularly Fleagle, the floppy
dog who drives a little dune buggy as well as sings pop tunes.

EARLY IDOLS: Bobby Sherman, David Cassidy

REMOTE MENTOR: Judy Bloom, author of "Are You There, God, It's Me, Margaret,"
a frank, open discussion of all the stuff their mothers neglected to tell
their daughters freely and openly.

EYE-OPENER: Warren Beatty's "Shampoo," a movie she thinks is kind of creepy
and boring until near the end, when George the oversexed hairdresser talks
about how men spend so much time trying to nail women, how women love them
for it and hate them for it, and how he can't help himself because women are
so, well, great. The speech clarifies a lot of feelings Jodi hasn't been able
to express.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Executes a perfect herkey (leap into air with one leg bent)
on her first attempt at summer cheerleading camp. Authors a cheer frequently
used to support the high school football team, "Spirit, drive, ability --
we're the best you can see! So shout it out with all yer might, fight, fight,

REGRETS: Not going steady with Randy Floyd; not having a little sister she
could help through the incredible bullshit teenage girls have to endure.

FAVORITE STUFFED COLLECTIBLE: A troll doll Randy stole at the senior fair. He
had already spent $2.17 in pocket change trying to get the lima ban into the
frog's mouth.

FAVORITE CRUISING COCKTAIL: A Dairy Queen "Mr. Misty" and Bacardi 151 rum
that goes down like milk.

THEME SONG: Bee Gees' "Nights On Broadway" and KC and the Sunshine Band's
"That's The Way (I Like It)."

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NAME: Simone Kerr

HEROINE: Cher, for having the nerve to divorce Gregg Allman after only nine
days of marriage. Also admires Jackie Onassis because she doesn't let fame
and money make her unhappy.

ANTHEM: Aerosmith's "Sweet Emotion," though in her darker moments she prefers
Carly Simon's "You're So Vain."

WHEELS: The 1975 AMC Pacer her parents gave her as a sixteenth birthday
present, a dorky car partially redeemed by its wide body, which allows extra
room to stretch in the back.

ENERGY SOURCE: Gallons of Dr. Pepper, supplemented by Vivarin dissolved in
coffee especially during times of frantic activity.

KISSING AID: Peppermint or Cherry Chocolate Lip-Smacker by Bonnie Bell, for
"a kiss of color and a dazzling super-shine."

FAVORITE CHARM ON BRACELET: Sharkstooth given to her by Randy Floyd. Doesn't
wear this particular jewelry around Jodi or Darla -- it's mostly for around
the house.

MAKE-UP: Glossy Gel Mascara and Creamy Eye Polish by Love Cosmetics. "They
glide on so perfectly you can't look overdone."

LOVE DILEMMA: Her part time squeeze, Randall "Pink" Floyd, always seems to
want something more but can't ever say what it is. She gives him copies of
"Jonathan Livingston Seagull" and "The Prophet," but they don't seem to help.

DREAM DATE: Greg Brady during his good perm period. Something silly and
stupid. They'd share a buttered tub during "Jaws," catch a few dogs back at
the Sonic, drive around in a station wagon listening to "The Partridge
Family" (just to miff him a little bit,) and end up back at his redone sweet
attic apartment room.

DREAM CONCERT: Jim Dandy of Black Oak Arkansas playing a solo acoustic
performance. Just the man, his guitar and his music. And a cool leather vest.

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NAME: Sabrina Davis

GIRLHOOD TRAUMA: Watched the regular fall broadcast of "The Wizard of Oz"
alone one year because her mother was off working at a catering gig. A
terrible storm passes through in real life at the same time as in the movie,
scaring Sabrina half to death and leading to a long period of intense
identification with Dorothy Gale.

LIKES: Horses, as reflected by the huge full-color poster of Secretariat on
her wall, Bread's "Greatest Hits," and Elton John, especially "Goodbye Yellow
Brick Road." Fought back tears the first time she heard "It seems you lived
your life/like a candle in the wind."

PET PEEVE: Her mother's EST rants which don't make any sense to her. Except
for the saying "be here now" which seems obvious to her. Reminds her of the
book she read last year, "Free to Be You and Me" by Marlo Thomas.

DISLIKES: Most of her mother's boyfriends, especially when they try to charm
her at breakfast, as if they weren't unshaven and in their underwear.

SLUMBER PARTY ADVENTURE: Successfully played the "I know who you are and I
saw what you did" trick on Mr. Kaufman, a math teacher who kept making her do
hard problems in front of the class.

CURRENT CRUSH: John Travolta, who plays Vinnie Barbarino on TV's "Welcome
Back, Kotter."

FAVORITE SONG: Neil Diamond's "Longfellow Serenade."

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NAME: Michelle Burroughs

BIRTH SIGN: "Pisces, Virgo rising is a very good sign" Loggins and Messina
burbled in "Danny's Song," and no one ever told Michelle they were wrong, so
hearing it on the radio about a zillion times gave her confidence, negating
the fact that it's really not so hot astrology-wise.

SLIGHT DRAWBACK: When she got a part-time job at an Orange Julius store, her
older brother Bill kept calling here "a Pisces working for scale."

REVELATION: Attending the 1973 Watkins Glen rock festival in upstate New York
with her older brother.

ROLE MODELS: Peggy Lipton's character in "The Mod Squad," later Joni
Mitchell, and Lily Tomlin in "Nashville."

FAVORITE HALTER TOP: Red suede buckskin, so comfortable it reminds her of her
boyfriend, Kevin Pickford.

FAVORITE ALBUM COVER: Syd Barrett's "The Madcap Laughs." Totally flipped out
when Pickford explained how David Gilmour helped produce the work even after
replacing the blithering Syd in his former group Pink Floyd; true artists.

BIGGEST WORRY: Pickford will get busted for selling pot and sent up the

FASHION FIRSTS: Gets a pair of Earth Shoes before anyone else, and a pair of
photo-gray sunglasses that stay dark for a while indoors, making them perfect
for hiding pot eyes.

TURN ON: When Kevin reads passages from Tolkien's "The Simarillon" while the
two swing solemnly in a macrame hammock she crocheted.

INSPIRATIONAL VOLUME: Hermann Hesse's "Siddhartha."

FAVORITE SONGS: Patti Smith's "Break It Up" and "Free Money" from Horses.

FANTASY ROLE: To play Alice in the musical stage version of "Go Ask Alice."
As a rock opera, the main character Alice would come across as more
multi-emotional and less hopeless. Wants to take artistic liberties by making
her character a candle sculptress instead of a drug-gobbling simp... more
frills less pills!

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NAME: Kaye Faulkner

FIRST SENTENCE: "Leave me alone!" Spoken as an overweening aunt pokes her in
the cheek.

LEADERSHIP ABILITY: Leads her classmates in unified stomping while their
fifth grade teacher, the dreaded Miss Settergen, is out of the room. Tiles
drop off the ceiling below and the whole class gets detention.

CONSCIOUSNESS LIFTERS: After exhausting the various classics of girlish
literature -- "Black Beauty, "Nancy Drew," "True Romance" comics, etc. -- at
triple speed, she encounters Harold Robbins' "The Carpetbaggers" at a church
book sale. Convinced by Robbins that sex mainly consists of taking showers
and smoking cigarettes, she gets a copy of Betty Friedan's "The Feminine
Mystique," figuring it may explain things. That same week, she sees John
Lennon sing "Woman is the Nigger of the World" on The Mike Douglas Show.
Consciousness soaring, she burns all her training bras in the backyard
barbecue pit. Plunges into a paperback of Germaine Greer's "The Female
Eunich" given to her by her older sister.

PET PEEVE: Girls who write with big loops and put little circles or hearts
above the letter "i."

GILLIGAN'S ISLAND CONSPIRACY THEORY: Is convinced that the Professor is
keeping everyone on the island for some twisted experimentation; plans to
cross breed Mary Ann and Gilligan to create a "Master simple race."

WALL HANGING: Cross stitch embroidery which reads: "This too shall pass. Camp
Nippersink 7/09/72."

SECRET AMBITION: Wants to be an editor of a flashy New York magazine until
Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar" convinces her this is a bad idea. Currently
considering a career as an author of subversive romance novels.

CURRENTLY READING: "Fear of Flying" by Erica Jong.

FAVORITE DRINK: Screwdriver.

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- from Dazed and Confused (St. Martin's Press, New York, 1993).


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