"The Watergate [EXPLETIVE DELETED] Contest"
With blue pencil in hand, Richard Nixon has brought to the point of charm the
curious inversion of priorities and moral values which has always
In his personally edited transcripts of many of the White House
conversations, he has, by some grotesque system of default, left in material
which demonstrates clear guilt in criminal as well as other impeachable
offenses, while carefully pruning out language which might make him seem
vulgar, or -- is it possible? -- even more culpable. The transcripts show
that he is guilty of obstructing justice, ordering the payment of "hush
money," counseling perjury, tampering with grand jury proceedings and
proposing offers of clemency in return for perjured testimony.
Caught in this stupefying tangle of self-incrimination, Nixon relinquishes
claim to all profanity but the occasional "hell" or "damn" on the part of
himself and his staff, daintily sidestepping the obvious with terms such as
"expletive deleted." In other situations, he humbly determines that certain
phrases are "unintelligible," unavoidably leading the public imagination to
Thus it is the task of the people to restore the humanity of the president
and the White House staff by proposing what might, or ought, to have been
In order to encourage the enterprise of a concerned and spirited citizenry,
the editors of Rolling Stone will finance an all-expenses-paid weekend at the
Watergate Hotel in Washington D.C. for the individual who supplies the most
fitting expletives and deletions.
We have provided our suggestions, but view them as only tentative. It is the
common wisdom we trust most deeply, and thus await your ballot. Simply send
us your answers in whatever form necessary. Judges will be provided in
consultation with the National Affairs Desk. The contest closes on the date
the House of Representatives votes on the matter of impeachment. Winners will
be announced prior to the opening of the fall session of the United States
1. (John Dean and Nixon are discussing Acting FBI Director L. Patrick Gray):
DEAN: He is bullheaded.
NIXON: He is smart in his own way, but he's got that typical [EXPLETIVE
DELETED]: "This is right and I'm going to do it."
a) tight-assed Nader outlook
b) G-man shellshock reflex
c) shit-faced Shirley Temple mentality
d) Puritan bug up his ass
e) fucking attitude
f) dadgummed sticktoitiveness
2. (Discussing the public relations impact of ordering Gray to stop giving
out files, but making one public to show how awful it is):
NIXON: All files are confidential. See if we can't get someone inspired to
put that out. Let them see what is in one.
DEAN: [EXPLETIVE DELETED.] You --
a) But seriously, Mr. President.
b) Oh, wow!
c) In a pig's eye!
d) Holy disclosure!
e) That would be wrong, that's for sure.
f) No shit?
g) Your mother sucks cocks in hell, sir.
3. (Discussing how Dean came to hear of the Watergate burglary):
DEAN: The next point in time that I became aware of anything was on June 17th
when I got the word that there had been this break-in at the DNC and somebody
from our committee had been caught in the DNC. And I said, "Oh [EXPLETIVE
DELETED]." You know, eventually putting the pieces together --
d) dash it all!
e) shit, those Cuban cocksuckers have really fucked us up this time.
f) horse hockey!
g) where am I? What's the date?
4. (Wondering about a reason for the Watergate burglary):
NIXON: Why at that point in time, I wonder? I am just trying to think. We had
just finished the Moscow trip. The Democrats had just nominated McGovern.
[Editor's note: Actually, the Democratic Convention was still four weeks
away.] I mean [EXPLETIVE DELETED], what in the hell were these people doing?
I can see their doing it earlier. I can see the pressure, but I don't see why
all the pressure was on then.
a) Gloriosky! (I picked that up in Russia)
c) I gave these wetbacks a chance for a decent future
d) for Pete's sake
e) those beaners are always asleep on the job
f) hoo hah
5. (Discussing the Ellsberg burglary):
DEAN: ... Hunt and Liddy, of course, are totally aware of it, of the fact
that it is right out of the White House.
NIXON: I don't know what the hell we did that for!
DEAN: I don't either.
NIXON: What in the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] caused this?
a) Democratic party could we say
b) fucking hell
c) drugs we were getting at that time could have
d) name of Christine Keeler
6. (Discussing problems of control):
DEAN: You've got the Cubans' lawyer, a man by the name of Rothblatt, who is a
no-good publicity seeking [CHARACTERIZATION DELETED], to be very frank with
you. He has had to be pruned down and turned off.
b) mouth-flapping matzo-brain
f) dirty double-crossing Hebe
7. (After concocting the "national security" defense for the Ellsberg
DEAN: I think we could get by on that.
NIXON: On that one, I think we should simply say this was a national security
investigation that was conducted. And on that basis, I think the same in the
drug field with (Bud) Krogh. Krogh could say he feels he did not perjure
himself. He would say it was a national security matter. That is why --
DEAN: That is the way Bud rests easy, because he is convinced what he was
doing. He said there was treason about the country, and it could have
threatened the way the war was handled and [EXPLETIVE DELETED].
a) all that shit
b) our sweet asses
c) the possibility of peace with honor
d) stirred up all those gooks
e) his marriage
f) all that shit
8. (Discussing clemency for Howard Hunt):
NIXON: The only thing we could do with him would be to parole him like the
b) Gyp DeCarlo
c) Dorothy Hunt
d) Lt. Calley
e) Ralph Ginzburg
g) Sam Sheppard
9. (Discussing the danger posed by Judge John Sirica):
DEAN: Well, so much depends on how Sirica sentences. He can sentence in a way
that makes parole even impossible.
NIXON: He can?
DEAN: Sure. He can do all kinds of permanent sentences.
DEAN: Yeah. He can be a real [CHARACTERIZATION DELETED] as far as the whole
a) tough pizza
c) real stickler
d) stern jurist
e) stiff-dick pompous Vatican swine
f) real Pisces
10. (Discussing the need to pay Howard Hunt $120,000 in hush money):
NIXON: That's why for your immediate things you have no choice but to come up
wit the $120,000, or whatever it is. Right?
DEAN: That's right.
NIXON: Would you agree that that's the prime thing -- than you damn well
better get that done?
DEAN: Obviously, he ought to be given some signal.
NIXON: [EXPLETIVE DELETED], get it. In a way that -- who is going to talk to
him? Colson? He is the one who is supposed to know him?
a) Gee wilikers!
b) This could mean our jobs, fellas
c) Judas Priest!
d) I am the President
e) By gum!
f) We need to arrange another plane ride
g) Damn the torpedoes
11. (Haldeman, Nixon and Dean discussing how to obtain and deliver hush
DEAN: ... You have to wash the money. You can get $100,000 out of a bank, and
it all comes in serialized bills.
NIXON: I understand.
DEAN: And that means you have to got to Vegas with it or a bookmaker in New
NIXON: Well, of course you have a surplus from the campaign. Is there any
money hanging around?
HALDEMAN: Well, what about the money we moved back out of here?
DEAN: Apparently, there is some there. That might be what they could use. I
don't know how much is left.
NIXON: Kalmbach must have some.
DEAN: Kalmback doesn't have a cent.
NIXON: He doesn't?
HALDEMAN: That $350,000 that we moved out was all that was saved. Because
they were afraid to because of this. That is the trouble. We are so
[EXPLETIVE DELETED] square that we get caught at everything.
b) fair and
Send your entries to:
625 Third Street
San Francisco, Ca. 94107
- Rolling Stone, 6/6/74.
I love the parody. Nixon and his goons are too easy. You'all should write a big piece on this, if you haven't already. Rub shit in the Republican's pancakes. Better yet, write a Broadway show with Frank Zappa-type musical accompinament. I bet the late-night show hosts are still lamenting Nixon leaving office.
Archives Intro | Main Page | Seventies Almanac | The Classic 500 | Search The RockSite/The Web