* * * * * * 2004 Republican Convention Schedule (2nd Rev.) * * * * * *
6:00 p.m. - Opening: Raising the confederate-flag-on-y'all's-pickup
ceremony. Sponsored by Bechtel.
6:01 p.m. - Opening prayers by Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson
condemning gays, feminists, Muslims, 'abortionists', Arabs, the ACLU,
'pagans', lesbians, and everyone else who caused September 11th.
6:15 p.m. - Famous w Quote: "John Thune has got a common-sense vision
for good forest policy. I look forward to working with him in the
United Nations Senate to preserve these national heritages."
6:30 p.m. - Newspaper, CD, magazine and book burning rally for
anything that does not support all war. Sponsored by Fox.
6:40 p.m. - w. bush proposes a beer-bong toast (only after learning
M.S.G. doesn't serve 'coke', not even now that you are president!)
6:45 p.m. - New board game introduction by RNC media department: Where
In Iraq Are The WMD?! (Comes with free signed copy of Where In The
World Is Dan Quayle.) CD-ROM, book and XBOX versions to follow.
7:00 p.m. - Close Enough Counts! In hand grenades, horseshoes, and
missile defense. Sponsored by Raytheon.
7:01 p.m. - Famous w Quote: "I glance at the headlines just to kind of
get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get
briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves."
7:10 p.m. - Commander-In-Chief Training: How to avoid every single
funeral for over 1,000 American soldiers you sent to their deaths.
7:15 p.m. - Screening of The Last Temptation of Christ. (barf bags
provided) followed by...
7:20 p.m. - Workshop: Evil Hollywood Liberals are Ruining Our Children
With Too Much Violence in the Movies.
7:25 p.m. - Commentary: We know Saddam has WMD, heck I sold them to
him! Hosted by don rumsfeld. Sponsored by Lockheed Martin.
7:30 p.m. - Seminar: Wedge Issue Politics 101. Convincing Southerners
that Gays are Destroying the American Family, and How To Ignore
Divorced Cheating Republican Leaders.
7:35 p.m. - Bush Geopolitical Defense Strategy Seminar: Allowing North
Korea and Iran to develop Nuclear warheads doesn't matter, they didn't
try to kill my daddy.
7:40 p.m. - Pro-war rally, lead by Christian Coalition. Sponsored by
General Dynamics.
7:45 p.m. - Bring Back Segregation: Traditional American Family Values
Rally To Ban Interracial Relationships. Hosted by Bob Jones
University. Special guest Essie Mae Washington-Williams invited (but
she can only sit in the back).
7:55 p.m. - More important than terrorism: A reading from My Pet Goat:
"One day her dad said, 'That goat must go. He eats too many things."
8:00 p.m. - Women's rights in the US and World. Hosted by Arnold
Schwarzenegger and 'Bandar Bush'. Sponsored by Wal-Mart.
8:01 p.m. - Famous w Quote: "She is a fabulous First Lady. I was a
lucky man when she said, yes, I agree to marry you. I love her dearly,
and I'm proud of the job she's doing on behalf of all Americans. Just
like I love my brother."
8:15 p.m. - Offshore Tax Shelter Workshop: Increasing Corporate Profit
by Moving American Jobs Overseas. Sponsored by Accenture, EDS, Boeing,
Halliburton Products & Services Limited, and the country of India.
Many more guests to be scheduled soon!
8:25 p.m. - w. bush proposes a beer-bong toast, the Twins out-drink
him.
8:30 p.m. - Oil industry corporate-handout workshop, hosted by James
Bath, Salem bin Laden and Khalid bin Mahfouz. Sponsored by
Halliburton.
9:00 p.m. - Interrogation Training Seminar. Leashes, hoods, electric
wires and German shepherds provided.
9:01 p.m. - Famous w Quote: "First, let me make it very clear, poor
people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not
rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."
9:10 p.m. - More important than terrorism: A reading from My Pet Goat:
"She played with her goat in her house."
9:15 p.m. - Chickenhawk Roundtable: Troop Levels Are Too Low, Bring
Back the Draft, It Worked for Us! Hosted by bush, cheney, rumsfeld,
libby, rove, wolfowitz, bennett, gingrich, hannity, limbaugh,
o'reilly, scarborough, delay, hastert, lott, quayle, kristol,
ashcroft. (We might need a bigger table)
9:20.p.m. - Christianity's New Crusade: How to Mix Religion, War,
Politics, The Christian Army of God, and Why Muslims Are Inferior.
Presented by Lt. Gen. William G. "Jerry" Boykin.
9:30.p.m. - * Intermission * Slacking demonstration by w "wow I've
really improved my golf game since becoming president, hey, what's a
PDB?" bush
10:00.p.m. - Workshop: Segregation is OK, the Bible says so. Hosted by
Trent Lott and David Duke.
10:01 p.m. - Famous w Quote: "We ended the rule of one of history's
worst tyrants, and in so doing, we not only freed the American people,
we made our own people more secure."
10:05 p.m. - Re-enactment of w's draft dodging 'service' in the
national guard, with special CGI effects of Silver Star pinned on at
the end! Sponsored by TRW.
10:10 p.m. - Collect offerings for "Kenny Boy" defense fund.
10:14 p.m. - More important than terrorism: A reading from My Pet
Goat: "He saw a big red car near the house and said, 'I will steal
that car'."
10:15 p.m. - Seminar: Wedge Issue Politics 102. Convincing Southern
Whites They are Poor Because of Blacks, Billionaire Enron Executives
Who Stole Your Life Savings Are Your Friends Because They are White.
10:20 p.m. - Bush-a-nomics Seminar: fiscally conservative republicans
are in charge of the House, Senate and White House, and have created
the largest deficit in human history, therefore it is all Bill
Clinton's fault. Hosted by Arthur Andersen.
10:25.p.m. - VP Cheney Cameo: crawls out of his spider hole, yells 'GO
FXXXX YOURSELF!', hides back in spider hole.
10:30 p.m. - Catholic pro-death-penalty AND pro-life demonstration,
hosted by Cardinal Arinze. Followed by Catholic forum on w's record of
152 compassionate executions.
10:31 p.m. - BONUS! Famous Barbara Bush Quote: "But why should we hear
about body bags, and deaths, and how many, what day it's gonna happen,
and how many this or what do you suppose? Or, I mean, it's, IT'S NOT
RELEVANT. So, why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like
that. And watch him suffer."
10:40 p.m. - w. bush proposes a beer-bong toast, the wasted Twins
flash their boobs to the GGW cameras.
10:45 p.m. - New board game introduction by RNC media department:
Where In The World Is Osama Bin Laden?! (comes with free copies of
Where In The World Is Dan Quayle that still can't be given away.)
10:50 p.m. - Pledge of allegiance to OPEC. Sponsored by Schlumberger.
10:55 p.m. - Anti-Gay Roundtable: Defending The Sanctity Of Marriage.
Hosted by nancy reagan, bob dole, neil bush, newt gingrich, phil
gramm, dick armey, george will, rush limbaugh, bob barr, alfonse
d'amato, rudy giuliani, henry kissinger, and any other supporter of
Traditional American Family Values who gets divorced (or divorced yet
again) in the meantime.
11:00 p.m. - Screening new Extreme Makeover episode: Brain Surgeons
and Mental Health Experts Struggle to Cure Mary Cheney of Lifelong Gay
Disease.
11:01 p.m. - Famous w Quote: "The war on terror involves Saddam
Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam
Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself."
11:15 p.m. - "Maximizing Corporate Welfare for Billionaires" workshop.
Sponsored by The Carlyle Group.
11:30 p.m. - 'Free William Krar' pep rally. Sponsored by the NRA.
11:59 p.m. - w. bush proposes a beer-bong toast, Noelle downs a
handful of xanex, rush pigs a bottle of oxy and blames it on Blacks.
Sponsored by PhRMA.
12:00 p.m. - Nomination of republican candidate. Sponsored by KBR.
12:01 p.m. - Special Bonus Closing Famous w Quote: "There's only one
person who hugs the mothers and the widows, the wives and the kids
upon the death of their loved one. Others hug but having committed the
troops, I've got an additional responsibility to hug and that's me and
I know what it's like."
Late night lesson in TERROR: w bush tries to pilot the plane with
twins back to the ranch!
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