2004 RNC Convention Schedule

6:00pm - Opening Constitution burning ceremony.
6:15pm - Opening sermon complete with snake handling by Jerry Falwell
6:30pm - Pro-war concert by Charlie Daniels
6:40pm - Rush Limbaugh Dow-sponsored speech: "Better Living Through Chemistry"
7:00pm - Tribute theme to Saudi Arabia. Future war plans presented.
7:10pm - Collect offerings to buy Ann Coulter a sandwich.
7:25pm - Tribute theme to our world-wide partners (moment of silence)
7:45pm - "Search for WMD" scavenger hunt game on lawn
8:25pm - Ann Coulter strips -- no one notices
8:30pm - Indoctrination workshop -- Tips for appearing on Fox News
9:00pm - Gay self-hatred workshop -- led by Dick Cheney with Mary Cheney as guest

9:30pm - * Intermission * -- Pretzels in the Beer Garden W/ Bush

10:00pm - Dennis Miller Standup routine (no one understands the jokes)
10:10pm - Demonstration of Heimlich Maneuver using dummy with pretzel lodged in throat
10:20pm - Lesbian poetry reading by Mary Cheney
10:30pm - Condoleezza Rice bobble-head dolls passed out
10:40pm - Ventriloquist act: Cheney and Bush
10:50pm - Book burning
11:00pm - Colin Powell is informed of the plans for the evening
11:15pm - Dick Clarke effigy burning
11:30pm - Kneeling and Bowing Ceremony for Prince Abdullah.
11:50pm - Affirmation of Republican candidate.
11:59pm - Bush shares thoughts on the past four years
12:00pm - Closing Ceremony

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