PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY, 71 Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours. Longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, as he wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man he was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. --- VOICEMAIL, 35 A trailblazing communication system that allowed telephone users to record a spoken message, Voicemail died Tuesday. It was 35 years old. Voicemail had been in precarious health for years, but the immediate cause of death was a message from Monica Gavetti of Antioch, California, to her stepson: "Hi, Alex. Just wanted to clarify -- I want yams, not sweet potatoes. Yams. A lot of people think they're the same thing, but they're really quite different. Okay. That's all. A half dozen should be fine. Thanks!" The voicemail was deleted following the words, "Hi, Alex." Born in 1979, Voicemail proved exceedingly useful and popular for several decades, allowing users to leave messages about meeting times, business deals, and whether or not their daughter is a thoughtless pig. But in the age of texting and e-mail, vocal messaging began to lose its sway with those under the age of 78. As 14-year-old media analyst Adam Schoenberg explains, "Who the fuck's got time to listen to Voicemail?" It is survived by Tinder messages. --- MYSTERY, 11,000 An ancient principle, born of the belief that some parts of an individual's existence should remain unknown to other humans, Mystery died Thursday. The cause was Phillip Eberling's use of the social-sharing feature of his iPhone app "Bowel Mover Pro" to inform friends of his latest defecation. He rated his bowel movement as "lumpy." Mystery grew up in the Neolithic Period soon after the founding of civilization, when humans developed the sense of privacy. For centuries, people believed that withholding information about sex, excretion, mucus, and anal warts was not only polite but also increased their allure to others. Mystery gave rise to hundreds of euphemisms, such as "washroom," "comfort station," and "Mommy and Daddy alone time." At its height, in 19th century Britain, many spouses were unaware their partners excreted at all. But Mystery had been in decline for decades, due to a powerful combination of Oprah, blogs, and camera phones. It is survived by Excruciating Detail. --- "TOO SOON," 12,041 "Too Soon," the idea that a respectable amount of time should pass between a tragic event and humorous comments about that event, died January 4. The cause was the tweeting of an Everly Brothers joke by Denver comedian Sebastian Farrrow 21 seconds after the Associate Press published Phillip "Phil" Everly's obituary online. "Anyone know which one died? I bet the one who's still alive is confused too. 'Hey, guys, remind me -- am I Don or Phil?'" Born 12,000 years ago, when humans developed the social norms of compassion and decorum, "Too Soon" helped restrain civilized people from making callous comments for days, even years after a painful occurrence. At the height of its influence, "Too Soon" caused the first joke about Pompeii to be delayed for five months after the eruption of Mount Vesuvius. In the early 20th century, Americans waited three months after President William McKinley was assassinated befodre Buffalo businessman Jon Sterling made a pun involving the "Dingley Tarrif." "Too Soon," also known as "Tragedy plus time equals comedy," is survived by "Tragedy plus time to type in some half-assed joke equals comedy." --- MY URGE TO MASTURBATE, 32 My Urge to Masturbate died Tuesday on my living room couch. It was 32 years old. The cause is that I am "fucking exhausted and would rather watch 'The Mindy Project' on Hulu," according to me. Born in the shower of my parents' apartment, My Urge to Masturbate had a vigorous life for more than three decades. It spent most of its time in the United States but also traveled overseas with me and improvised widely with such props as pillows, wool socks, and various types of water- and oil-based lubricants, including an unsuccessful experiment with liquid Pepto-Bismol. My Urge to Masturbate had been in declining health for five years due to a variety of factors, including the thought of waking up early to take the kids to school and the hassle of erasing browser histories. My Urge to Masturbate had a brief resurgence three weeks ago after I watched Anna Paquin in an episode of "True Blood," but went into hospice soon after. It is survived by my urge to nap. --- THE TAXICAB, 108 A once popular mode of urban transportation, the street-hail taxi died Monday following a short, intense illness. The immediate cause was marketing executive Daniel Murtha, who ordered an Uber after emerging from a Japanese restaurant despite the line of four vacant yellow taxis waiting by the curb with drivers frantically trying to get his attention. The taxicab was born in the early 1900s and had ferried millions of clients over the years to and from bars, business meetings, and embarrassing overnight trysts. Riders could summon one by extending an arm high into the air while making sure to be white. Taxis were known for sticky seats, artificial pine scents, and drivers who believed that real rain would soon arrive to wash all the scum off the streets. Taxicabs are survived by Uber, Lyft, Gett, and several dozen smug Ayn Rand- quoting billionaires. --- MY AUTHORITY AS A PARENT, 9 My Authority as a Parent died Thursday. It was nine years old. It succumbed after I asked my nine-year-old son to turn off a "Futurama" rerun and he responded that I could "bite [his] shiny metal ass." My Authority as a Parent was born soon after my son and flourished briefly with the assistance of such tactics as time-outs and slowly counting to three in a stern voice. But My Authority as a Parent began a decline from which it never recovered last month, when I used the phrase "This is your last warning" for the fourtheenth time in a ten-minute period. It is survived by chaos and dread. --- THE CREDIBLE MALE HEAD OF HAIR, 25,000 The honest head of male hair died quietly Wednesday. The cause was the thick black thatch than enveloped John Travolta's scalp at the opening of a new luxury watch boutique in Orlando. Born in the late Pleistocene era, the Credible Male Head of Hair spent millennia following a natural cycle: The hair would start out dark and full, then turn gray, then at the temples and crown, then fall out completely. It appeared on the skull of millions of accomplished men, from Erik the Red to Henry Fonda. But the Credible Male Head of Hair had been severely ill for several years, especially in Hollywood and Washington and executive suites everywhere, as it battled hair plugs, weaves, dye jobs, Propecia, toupees, and Jeremy Piven's boundless vanity. Its death was preceded by the passing of the Credible Female Hair in the mid-20th century. --- "FREEDOM," 2,367, DIES The word "freedom" -- which for centuries referred to an absence of tyranny and the importance of self-determination -- finally lost all meaning Tuesday. It was 2,367 years old. The cause was John McKenzie, a regular commentator on the Daily Caller Web sit, who wrote that the Founding Fathers guaranteed his freedom to carry shoulder-launched missles when picking up his son from daycare. Born in ancient Greece, were Aristotle wrote about the value of voluntary choice, "freedom" as a word and a category proved crucial to human progress for millennia, helping to topple dictators and abolish slavery. Freedom had shown surprising resilience recently, even as it was used in increasingly bizarre contexts. Among them: The freedom to teach scientifi- cally disproven theories, to avoid taxes, to obstruct access to voting and contraception, to prevent citizens from marrying, to dump toxic chemicals in reservoirs, and to exclude gay people from an organization in which members wear green sashes, sew on badges, and learn about basket weaving and theater. There were no close survivors. --- THE WORLD'S OLDEST PERSON, ABOUT 118 The world's oldest person died again Thursday. He or she was between the ages of 115 and 122. The cause of death was being very old. He/she worked in a job that is obsolete, perhaps a vendor of some sort, and credited his/her longevity to a positive outlook and drinking alcohol every day. Or else refrain from drinking altogether. This person lived through a lot of presidential administrations and different kinds of transportation. He/she is survived by the new world's oldest person, who will likely die within a few weeks and have his/her own obituary on CNN.com and Fox News, and in the pages of USA Today. Experts remain baffled as to why these seemingly healthy individuals are at such a high risk for mortality. --- A LITTLE PART OF ME, 46 A Little Part of Me died Sunday when I read an article about the successful funding of Whistle, a start-up described as "Fitbit for dogs." It followed the recent death of another little part of me when I read an article using the word "momtrepreneur." - A.J. Jacobs, ESQUIRE ### Return to |
