Top 10 Things President Reagan Hopes to Accomplish in His Last Months in Office
 - August 24, 1988

10. Get to know Paula Parkinson.
 9. Send change-of-address cards to wrestling magazines.
 8. Get snapshot taken with cardboard cutout of himself to baffle future historians.
 7. Swipe headphones from Air Force One.
 6. Introduce himself to George Bush.
 5. At last press conference, have Secret Service remove the pants from Sam 
    Donaldson.
 4. Make final plea for Bush-Sharpton ticket.
 3. Award Congressional Medal of Honor to Dick Gautier.
 2. Get thoroughly briefed on what happened while he was president.
 1. Call Jerry Ford about that time-share in the Poconos.


President Bush's Top 10 Gaffes While in Europe - July 14, 1989

10. Addressed heads of lesser-developed nations in baby talk.
 9. When presented with vintage camembert commented "Phew! What died?"
 8. Ill-conceived speech to French military command: "We bailed out your sorry
    butts."
 7. Tried to go into Hungarian 7-Eleven without shirt or shoes.
 6. Gave away ending of "Ghostbusters II" to Lech Walesa.
 5. Remarked to Bulgarian minister "You people sure turn out some good carnival
    acts."
 4. Asked curator at the Louvre "Where's the pictures of naked broads?"
 3. Accidentally told other world leaders that Quayle is vice president.
 2. Washed out shorts in the bidet.
 1. Loudly announcing everywhere he went "Ich bin ein Batman."


Dan Quayle's Top 10 Questions While at the White House - November 10, 1988

10. "OK if I leave my clubs here?"
 9. "Who are all the old farts in the paintings?"
 8. "Can I have a Kermit phone?"
 7. "Do we get the day after Thanksgiving off?"
 6. "Would you tell me about the rabbits, George?"
 5. "Are all the Playmates down at the sauna or are they shooting bumper pool?"
 4. "Which button am I supposed to never touch?"
 3. "Won't it be great if George and I win the big election?"
 2. "Where did Prescilla sleep?"
 1. "Mrs. Reagan, can I call you Mommy?"


Top 10 Signs that Ronald Reagan is Recovering - September 20, 1989

10. He starting to forget things again.
 9. Just signed to fight George Forman.
 8. Last night, for first time since the operation, he sang along with the "Three's 
    Company" theme.
 7. Returned to post on Sunset and Vine selling maps to the stars' homes.
 6. Puts up vigorous fight whenever Nancy just says no.
 5. Called Iran to see if they need any weapons.
 4. Can distinguish between what he saw in movie and what actually happened in
    Broadway musical.
 3. No longer takes naked strolls pushing wheelbarrow. Now leaves wheelbarrow home.
 2. Came out of anesthesia shouting, "Bush is president?  We're doomed!"
 1. Because Nancy says so.


Top 10 Chapter Titles in Nancy Reagan's Book - October 27, 1989

10. Destiny's Detour: My Brief Engagement to Soupy Sales
 9. The "Hee-Haw" Years
 8. My Son, the Ballerina Sissy-Boy
 7. That Hinckley Person Spoils a Day of Shopping
 6. A Scary Moment: Ron Thinks He's Invented the Baloney Sandwich
 5. Patti Davis: Author, Actress, Beauty ... Oh Alright, Author
 4. Raisa Gorbachev: The Jane Wyman of Russia
 3. Leona: The Sister I Never Had
 2. Skinny-Dipping at Camp David
 1. Scared Straight: My Visit to K-Mart


Top 10 Highlights from Barbara Walters' Interview with the Reagans - November 17, 1989

10. Ron constantly referring to Walters as "Oprah."
 9. After each response by Nancy, Ron shouting, "Good answer!  Good answer!"
 8. When Ron raised his hand midway through the interview and said, "I think I've had 
    too much soda."
 7. Nancy's on-air marriage proposal to Malcolm-Jamal Warner.
 6. When Ron yelled at Walters, "Why don't we shave your head and see what color it 
    grows back!"
 5. Reagan announcing he's waiting for Hinckley to get out so he can kick his butt.
 4. When Ron asked, "Whatever happened to George Bush?"
 3. When Ron left because he thought he saw the Bat Signal.
 2. When Nancy chugged a gag bottle of rubbing alcohol.
 1. When Ron remembered something.


Top 10 Signs Bush Is Still Tough on the Chinese - December 12, 1989

10. Refers to the Great Wall as "The OK Wall."
 9. No NBA expansion team in China for three years.
 8. Blocked their satellite feed of Leonard/Duran fight.
 7. Has called for "No MSG" amendment to Constitution.
 6. Had all Bruce Lee posters removed from Oval Office.
 5. Has threatened to open branches of American savings and loans in China.
 4. No White House puppies for Deng Xiaoping.
 3. May name Quayle ambassador.
 2. No Bat-Signal for Beijing police commissioner.
 1. Has warned: "I can send back Dan Rather."


Top 10 Provisions in the Bushs' Prenuptial Agreement - February 21, 1990

10. Barbara must remove heels before getting on water bed.
 9. Even split of all Lotto winnings.
 8. No tube tops -- except at amusement parks.
 7. George will try not to spew pork rinds as he laughs like an idiot at "I Dream 
    of Jeannie."
 6. During lovemaking, no jokes about cabinet positions.
 5. In the event of divorce, 1,000 points of light to be divided 50/50.
 4. To once a year recreate first date by drinking six-pack behind the 7-Eleven.
 3. In the event either becomes president, must pick vice president by shutting 
    eyes and picking name out of phone book.
 2. For reasons too complicated to explain, Don King gets 10% off the top.
 1. Don't come home from drinkin' with lovin' on your mind.


Top 10 Iraqi Nicknames for George Bush - April 27, 1990

10. Sherry-swilling yacht-monkey
 9. Satan's Lambada partner
 8. Quayle-picker
 7. Four-eyes
 6. The-never-had-anyone-even-close-to-Marilyn-Monroe president
 5. Pork rind-munching goofball
 4. Yale-educated father of five
 3. Nancy Reagan's dress dummy
 2. Trust fund weenie
 1. Mr. Scared-of-broccoli


Millie's Top 10 Pet Peeves - May 1, 1990

10. Never any table scraps under Barbara's chair.
 9. Getting the blame every time Marlin Fitzwater takes a leak on the couch.
 8. When Quayle hogs the dog toys.
 7. Spuds.
 6. When the Korean ambassador gets hungry.
 5. Barney Frank's flaming poodle.
 4. Having the same name as that idiot "Vanilli."
 3. When Mayor Barry bogarts your last joint.
 2. Being known as "The First Bitch."
 1. When Reagan shows up in his pajamas murmuring, "Nice kitty. Nice kitty."


Dan Quayle's Top 10 Complaints about France - May 9, 1990

10. Virtually impossible to find a box of Captain Crunch.
 9. Long lines at Jerry Lewis movies.
 8. People speak some kind of weird Moon-man language.
 7. Water fountain in bathroom must be designed for midgets.
 6. Snobby French won't elect their government officials unless they have 
    qualifications of some kind.
 5. Dubbed version of "Ernest Goes to Camp" makes Ernest sound like a sissy.
 4. Doesn't know how many hours ahead to set Mickey's hands.
 3. Happy Meals taste different.
 2. Language barrier inhibits execution of "pull-my-finger" trick.
 1. Everyone keeps referring to him as "Le Bonehead."


George Bush's Top 10 Stress Busters - June 21, 1990

10. Menthol rubdowns from Sununu.
 9. Calls Mike Dukakis; asks if "Lou Zer" is there.
 8. Makes Secret Service agents ride bicycles into White House pool; tapes it 
    for "America's Funniest Home Videos."
 7. Two words: malt liquor.
 6. Takes off pants; sits on picture of Dan Rather.
 5. Picks up hitchhikers on the Beltway; tells them about his grandchildren.
 4. Gives First Lady the "Ol' Presidential Pardon," if you know what I mean.
 3. Relaxes with Mayor Barry.
 2. Tosses horseshoes at Quayle's head.
 1. Has Barbara tell him again and again how he's overcome the wimp factor.


Top 10 Other Campaign Promises Bush Has Broken - June 27, 1990

10. Birthday joyride on stealth bomber for every U. S. citizen.
 9. Go 10 rounds with Dukakis at Trump Plaza.
 8. To eat his own weight in birdseed twice a day.
 7. Add mechanical shark attraction to White House tour.
 6. A pony for Quayle.
 5. Add Golden Girls to Mt. Rushmore.
 4. To introduce a Brazilian dance craze with real staying power.
 3. Provide big name guests and fresh new comedy every night. (Actually, one 
    of Dave's broken promises.)
 2. That NBC's "Baywatch" would stay on the air forever.
 1. Nude Elvis postage stamp.


Top 10 Things George Bush Likes about David Souter - July 24, 1990

10. Wears the same size robe as Brennan.
 9. Can pronounce "Sununu" without giggling.
 8. Only federal judge who hasn't hit on Barbara.
 7. Probably isn't the Zodiac Killer.
 6. The colorful clothes he wears and the way the sunlight plays upon his hair.
 5. Helped Dan Quayle beat the rap after he killed a guy at the dog track.
 4. Heard he did magic tricks like the judge on "Night Court."
 3. Can do this thing where he stops an electric car window with his head.
 2. He has the figure for bicycle pants.
 1. Once beat the crap out of Jacoby and Meyers.


Dan Quayle's Top 10 New Year's Resolutions - December 28, 1990

10. Think of snappy comeback to Bentsen for that "You're no Kennedy" remark.
 9. Finally get it straight: Democrats are the donkey, Republicans the elephant.
 8. Get Marilyn's little dog to write a book the way Barbara Bush got her's to.
 7. Eat a zillion M&M's.
 6. Stop picking up hotline phone to Moscow and yelling, "I've fallen and I 
    can't get up!"
 5. Renew ties with family of ducks that raised him.
 4. When meeting foreign dignitaries, try not to crack up and say, "What a funny 
    hat!"
 3. Spend more time with imaginary friend "Leslie."
 2. Three words: catch road runner.
 1. Learn to say "Sununu" without giggling.


Top 10 Ways Bush Could Blow It in '92 - March 1, 1991

10. Unloads Barbara for a 19-year-old male prostitute.
 9. Gets sick during White House ceremony; throws up on Super Bowl winners.
 8. Lets Hussein stay in Lincoln bedroom for 6 months while he "gets his 
    head together."
 7. Guest stars on "Matlock"; shoots Andy Griffith in the face.
 6. It is revealed that he bet against the U.S. in the Gulf war.
 5. Decides to grow stylish Hitler moustache.
 4. Has Marlin Fitzwater hold press conferences shirtless.
 3. Chooses Quayle as his running mate.
 2. Gets careless about secret family in West Virginia.
 1. Appears on Donahue as "Debi Bush."


Top 10 Ways Quayle Can Build Up Public Confidence - May 7, 1991

10. Borrow those fake glasses Stallone wears to look smarter.
 9. Have his Dad give everybody five bucks.
 8. Think of snappy comeback to that "You're no John F. Kennedy" zinger.
 7. All speeches lip-synched to voice of James Earl Jones.
 6. Go on "American Gladiators" and kick ass in the Atlasphere.
 5. Do that trick where it looks like you're pulling off part of your thumb 
    but you're really moving other thumb.
 4. Appear before Subcommittee on Multiplication Tables.
 3. Announce with quiet determination that he's leaving politics.
 2. Get Bush to stop wearing "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt.
 1. Win "Vice-Presidents Week" on Jeopardy.


Top 10 Other Approved Exercises for Bush - May 22, 1991

10. Bench-pressing Sununu's expense reports.
 9. Air guitar.
 8. Doing the hula to Neil Diamond records.
 7. Running to top of Capitol steps then jumping up and down like Rocky.
 6. Joining Secret Service in game of keep-away with Quayle's hat.
 5. Looking for leftover Easter eggs on White House lawn.
 4. Crushing beer cans against his forehead.
 3. Exercise the ol' pocket veto, if you know what I mean.
 2. Sweatin' to the oldies.
 1. Bar hopping with Ted Kennedy.


Top 10 Signs Sununu Is About To Be Fired - June 25, 1991

10. His desk has been moved out by the dumpster.
 9. Only presidential meetings he can get is with Zachary Taylor.
 8. White House paper boy asked if he could get his Christmas tip early.
 7. "I'm with Sununu" T-shirts removed from gift shop.
 6. During meeting, Bush says, "I thought we fired your ass."
 5. When introduced, Yeltsin said, "You the guy they're losing?"
 4. In 1560, Nostradamus wrote, "A fat guy with a funny name will fly free 
    and get fired."
 3. Jack Kemp said he could get him a tryout with the World League of American 
    Football.
 2. Asked to appear on Donahue show about chiefs-of-staff who've been fired.
 1. Even Quayle won't give him the time of day.


Top 10 Highlights of Bush's Visit to Disney World - October 1, 1991

10. Posed as wax figure in Hall of Presidents and goosed tourists.
 9. Surprised to discover Dukakis in a duck suit.
 8. Cocktails and pellets with Mickey.
 7. Millie getting into cryogenic chamber and licking frozen body of Walt Disney.
 6. Substantive discussions with Goofy regarding possible spot on '92 ticket.
 5. Sununu using Dumbo ride to visit dentist in Orlando.
 4. Demonstration of technology that allows costumed characters to go 3 days without 
    taking a leak.
 3. 47 mouse-shaped ice cream bars consumed by Barbara.
 2. Pluto and Millie sniffing each other.
 1. Pluto and Quayle sniffing each other.


Top 10 Ways Bush Can Bring Up His Approval Rating - February 21, 1992

10. Dump Barbara; marry Alberto Tomba.
 9. Put entire national debt on his Mastercard.
 8. Consistently refer to Democratic frontrunner as "Stongas."
 7. Revive Reagan's sure-fire "free cheese" promotion.
 6. Give Saddam Hussein an ultimatum; then kick his butt again.
 5. Deliver next televised speech from captain's chair of the Starship Enterprise.
 4. Get it on with a happenin' lady.
 3. Read my lips: fire Quayle's ass.
 2. Free plastic whistles!
 1. Go back to Japan and boot on Miyazawa again.


Top 10 Things Overheard at the President's Fundraiser -- April 29, 1992

10. "If you want sour cream on the potato, it's an extra five grand."
 9. "Billy Dee Williams is right! Colt 45 sets the mood!"
 8. "I'm sorry, Congressman -- no checks."
 7. "Buchanan! More ice water at table six!"
 6. "Look out! The President's eating sushi!"
 5. "Hi, I'm Clarence Thomas -- and this is my gavel."
 4. "Come on, Mrs. Bush! Crush another can on your head!"
 3. "What time do the hookers get here?"
 2. "You're incredibly wealthy too? What a coincidence!"
 1. "Folgers Crystals?!"


President Bush's Top 10 Environmental Proposals -- June 2, 1992

10. Honor endangered species with series of styrofoam cups from Burger King.
 9. White House porch light powered by Barbara on a treadmill.
 8. Add spots to regular owls and presto! More spotted owls!
 7. Put Hair Club president Sy Sperling in charge of fixing ozone hole.
 6. Bottle acid rain; hire those "Uh-Huh" girls to help sell it.
 5. Will try to re-use slightly scuffed golf balls.
 4. Special filters that convert auto exhaust to delicious cotton candy.
 3. No more taking leaks off boat in Kennebunkport harbor.
 2. Take away Marilyn Quayle's hair spray.
 1. Thighmaster-powered cars.


Top 10 Items on the Bush/Yeltsin Summit Agenda -- June 16, 1992

10. Sign arms pact limiting number of Super Soaker squirt guns.
 9. Discuss possibility of Moscow getting 90210 ZIP code.
 8. Work out joint custody of Yakov Smirnoff.
 7. Tour of the Vice-President's tree house.
 6. Frank dialogue about that thing on Gorbachev's head.
 5. Take turns thinking up cute names for Murphy Brown's baby.
 4. Private dancing with Michelle Pfeiffer in her Catwoman suit.
 3. Determine official spelling of "potato."
 2. Prank phone calls to Castro.
 1. Yeltsin askes, "When do I get to meet President Perot?"


Top 10 Things Perot Found Out About the Bush Family -- June 24, 1992

10. George ran over first wife with riding mower.
 9. Even at the White House, whole family sleeps inside R.V. in driveway.
 8. Use tax dollars to send out for Chinese food.
 7. At home, they all speak with thick Mexican accents.
 6. Naked George Bush often "surprised" by tour groups.
 5. Neil Bush is hooked on phonics.
 4. Like most Americans, the First Family still hasn't signed up for NBC's Olympic 
    Triplecast.
 3. Barbara is thinking of voting for Perot.
 2. Japanese have them on the payroll just to screw things up.
 1. Quayle was Millie's suggestion.


Top 10 Signs You Won't Be Re-Elected President - July 15, 1992

10. At fund-raising dinners guests ask you, "Can we have some more butter please?"
 9. Whenever you use phrase. "If I'm re-elected" in speech, crowd bursts into 10 
    minutes of uproarious laughter.
 8. Wife keeps reassuring you she can get work as mall Santa.
 7. Quayle's on your ticket.
 6. When you ask your campaign manager advice, he shrugs and says, "Beats me."
 5. Carvel turns their President Bush cake into "Bushy the Whale."
 4. Instead of "Four more years" supporters chant "Six more months."
 3. Your pinhead son loses $3 billion in savings and loan scandal.
 2. Your State of the Union address is pre-empted by a "Who's-the-Boss-a-Thon."
 1. "Other" beats you in polls.


Top 10 Reasons Bush Shouldn't Drop Quayle - July 21, 1992

10. Would risk losing the moron vote.
 9. Combined President/Vice-President golf handicap would soar.
 8. He always brings the keg to state dinners.
 7. Shame to waste smart guy in vice-presidency.
 6. He has lock on pretty-boy airhead vote.
 5. Is best Vice-President in history at hiding Easter eggs.
 4. Reebok would have to scrap $25 million Dan vs. Al campaign.
 3. He's almost housebroken.
 2. Just because he's stupid doesn't mean he shouldn't hold second-highest office 
    in the land.
 1. He's a real looker.


Top 10 Ways Bush Can Still Win the Election - August 13, 1992

10. Bomb the living crap out of Norway.
 9. Announce he's entering a 12-step program for recovering dweebs.
 8. Start calling himself the "bed-ucation President."
 7. Invent really delicious new kind of sandwich.
 6. Free crack.
 5. Change "War on Drugs" to "War on Doug Henning."
 4. Go around throwing up on bad guys.
 3. Compose rap song paying tribute to women with big butts.
 2. Stop referring to James Baker as his "longtime companion."
 1. Keep spotted owl in pants.


Top 10 Other Things George and Barbara Disagree About - August 14, 1992

10. The key lime pie at Sizzler.
 9. Which one's Canada and which one's Mexico.
 8. Whose turn it is to feed Marlin Fitzwater.
 7. He likes sex once a month. She doesn't.
 6. The Vice-President's bedtime.
 5. Is the "repeat" step in the shampoo process really necessary?
 4. Abe Vigoda: dead or alive?
 3. Whether they should start looking for a new house right now.
 2. Proper number of dates before a president sleeps with his secretary.
 1. What's the deal with Bruce Jenner?

Top 10 Surprises in the Reagan Speech - August 18, 1992

10. Part where he took credit for inventing sniglets.
 9. His statement that "maybe we should give communism a try."
 8. Reference to Dan Quayle as "somebody I wouldn't mind sharing a bunk with."
 7. Suggestion that Bush start working on his concession speech.
 6. Can't remember if he had Jennifer Fitzgerald.
 5. He turned Bush on to Halcion.
 4. Ron Reagan Jr. is romantically involved with Woody Allen.
 3. He kept calling Bush, Perot.
 2. Revelation that drugs aren't only things Nancy says no to.
 1. He was lipsynching.


Top 10 Signs President Bush Is Panicking - September 1, 1992

10. More references to KFC's popcorn chicken in speeches.
 9. Has been urging Barbara to show a little more leg at campaign appearances.
 8. Flew to Georgia to throw rocks at Bill Clinton's bus.
 7. Has started hoarding peanuts from Air Force One.
 6. Has scheduled start of Desert Storm II for next Tuesday at noon.
 5. New slogan: "Me so horny!"
 4. Recently shot Barbara in the foot thinking she was a prowler.
 3. White House vending machine now stocked with Halcion.
 2. Calls Jim Baker "Mommy."
 1. Nude press conferences.


Top 10 Things George Bush Can Accomplish in Remaining 58 Days - September 4, 1992

10. Legally change everyone's name in country to Linda.
 9. Exercise the "pocket veto" a few more times (if you know what I mean).
 8. Fly to every state, perform vote-inducing Mambo.
 7. Tamper with White House salt shakers before Clintons move in.
 6. Nail Madonna.
 5. Get his son Neil to embezzle a few million and hightail it to Switzerland.
 4. Based on the last four years, nothing.
 3. Have sex twice.
 2. Bomb the hell out of some candy-ass country.
 1. Carefully pack.


Top 10 Debate Conditions Demanded by Bush - September 24, 1992

10. Bush shirts, Clinton skins.
 9. After Bush speaks, moderator must add, "He's right, you know."
 8. Swimsuit competition counts for at least 30%.
 7. After debate Clinton can't do Arsenio for two weeks.
 6. At all times Clinton must be referred to as "Mule Boy."
 5. No questions about last four years.
 4. Adopt "Family Feud" format.
 3. Bush: fancy cedar podium; Clinton: paper hat and milk crate.
 2. Clinton must be in full hillbilly regalia.
 1. Answers must be in the form of a question.


Top 10 Signs You're Losing the Presidential Debate - October 15, 1992

10. You begin wondering if working at McDonalds is as much fun as it is in the
    commercials.
 9. Wife stars flirting with Sam Donaldson.
 8. In audience, your father tears his clothing and yells, "I have no son!"
 7. After every statement you make, moderator chuckles and says, "Whoops!"
 6. Michael Dukakis is giving you "thumbs up" in front row.
 5. Only mild, polite applause when you B.S. about how much you love America.
 4. Circus music plays, the audience stands, and a dunce cap is lowered onto your 
    head.
 3. Doberman in audience smells your fear and starts chasing you around podium.
 2. Cameraman peeks around camera and mouths the words, "You suck."
 1. Your name is George Bush.


Top 10 Ways Bush Planned To Disrupt Perot's Daughter's Wedding - October 27, 1992

10. When bride says, "I do," yell, "Speak up, tubby!"
 9. Exercise little-known presidential "wedding veto."
 8. Get drunk, get up on stage, and sing, "You and Me Against the World."
 7. Three words: Rev. Rip Taylor.
 6. Airdrop doctored photos of Perot nailing a metermaid.
 5. Replace ushers with incontinent monkeys.
 4. Have Dan Quayle stand in back of church and yell, "I had her!"
 3. Push Admiral Stockdale into wedding cake.
 2. The same way Honest Abe himself would have done it: stilts and a kazoo.
 1. Super itchy garter.


Top 10 Mistakes in Bush's Campaign Strategy - November 5, 1992

10. Ill-advised speech at every campaign stop entitled, "Screw You and Your Miserable 
    Little Lives."
 9. Trying to show sensitivity by open-mouth kissing Bob Dole.
 8. Fitzwater in a miniskirt.
 7. Turned off many potential voters with his naked interpretive dance to "Baby
    I'm-a Want You."
 6. Scheduled Desert Storm a year too early.
 5. The vomiting was funny the first time, but at the end of every rally?
 4. Barbara refusing to show more leg.
 3. During final train tour, shouldn't have kept taking a leak off back of caboose.
 2. Senseless negative ads showing Dukakis shoplifting.
 1. Dan Quayle is no Stockdale.


Top 10 Things the Quayles Have To Do Before January 20th - November 6, 1992

10. Fill out Dan's Dairy Queen application.
 9. Stock up on Defense Dept. hair shellac for Marilyn.
 8. Begin difficult process of teaching Dan a new address.
 7. Erase "I can't believe I'm Vice-President" doodles from desk.
 6. Get cushy jobs from one of President's deadbeat sons.
 5. Break news to Dan that he wasn't re-elected.
 4. Try to meet Bush.
 3. Get Dan's favorite chew toy back from Millie.
 2. Explain to their children that Daddy will never hold any kind of political office 
    ever again.
 1. One more blunder for the road.


Top 10 Thoughts on Ronald Reagan's Mind at this Moment - November 13, 1992

10. "I guess it's true what they say: 'Hand in toaster - bad.' "
 9. "Reach out, turn shiny knob, door will open."
 8. "I miss Meese."
 7. "These Super Hot Fireballs ain't that hot... oh boy, oooh, oooh, my tongue,
    my tongue!"
 6. "Now... where do I bury the mailman's body?"
 5. "Here, goose, goose, goose... or is that the vacuum cleaner?"
 4. "I never got Boy George. I still don't get Boy George. I probably never will
    get Boy George."
 3. "I wonder what ever happened to that nice Bush fella used to work for me back 
    east?"
 2. "Yeah, yeah, I heard you, you old bag."
 1. "Who's frying bologna?"


Top 10 Tips Bush Gave Clinton Today - November 18, 1992

10. Great prank on Gore: fake heart attack.
 9. Francois Mitterand hates to be called "Frankie."
 8. Channel 61 shows Noriega rotting in his jail cell.
 7. Nation's water supply plus methadone equals a couple weeks of peace and quiet.
 6. Sushi - bad.
 5. Two or three cocktails and Yeltsin will sign anything.
 4. If you're going to bomb the crap out of some small country, do it right before 
    the election.
 3. Clap once for "on," twice for "off."
 2. If you lend Clarence Thomas a video, you can kiss it goodbye.
 1. Chicks dig Air Force One.


Top 10 Tips Barbara Bush Gave Hillary Clinton - November 20, 1992

10. After you have Dan Rather at state dinner, count the silverware.
 9. Best thing about being First Lady? Free stuff!
 8. Two words: ugly secretaries.
 7. If you give good quotes to the press, they'll sometimes let you see the next
    day's Garfield strip.
 6. Nail Michael Bolton.
 5. There's an old doll in the cellar you can give Elsie, or whatever her name is.
 4. If you husband is experiencing "Washington grid lock," try a new teddy from 
    Victoria's Secret.
 3. Don't get too much Sun while you're young.
 2. When a tour group's around, make sure you're wearing a bra.
 1. Don't unpack.


Top 10 Tips Reagan Gave Clinton - November 27, 1992

10. Be the best Prime Minister you can be.
 9. It's comfortable wearing pajamas to work.
 8. Always bring a translator to summits - many foreign leaders speak gibberish.
 7. When doing a comedy show, you can't go wrong with a guy eating deodorant.
 6. Don't let that Sinatra guy have "lunch" with your wife.
 5. At a loss for words? Just make a long "hehhh" sound.
 4. Be nice to Mommy or she'll punish you.
 3. You'll never win - Bush's approval rating is too high.
 2. See if you can pull some strings and get Ron Jr. into the Navy.
 1. Naps! Naps! Naps!


Top 10 Things the Bushes Have To Do Before Leaving Office - December 15, 1992

10. Find cushy job for deadbeat son Neil.
 9. Send really sarcastic note to campaign manager James Baker.
 8. Get the eight CDs for a penny, let the new guy worry about the four at regular 
    club prices.
 7. Scam some lawn furniture for Kennebunkport.
 6. Bubble wrap the Halcion.
 5. Wake Reagan and put him on a bus.
 4. Get Barbara "the works" from government plastic surgeon.
 3. Let Dan play with boxes so he gets used to idea of moving.
 2. Decide whether to end farewell speech with "Kiss my you-know-what" or just go 
    ahead and say "ass."
 1. Disconnect clapper.

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