How To Read Between the Lines in Job Ads

Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo, "personals translations",
etc.  Beware of these terms when interviewing or advertising.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our
competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have
to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago,
but we haven't done anything innovative since.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a
month ago.  We're just now running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to
supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for 
your first commission check.

SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions.

"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:"  After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has
a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your
own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching
contribution.

"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still live with
their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress
up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits will bore
you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink
with them.

"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"  You'll be six months behind schedule on your
first day.

"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:"  If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV
and get us out of it.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.

"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own time.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last round of layoffs,
that is.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.

"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying
something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

"CAREER-MINDED:" Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that
way).

"APPLY IN PERSON:"  If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position
has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is
just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to
replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in
perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a
manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure
out what they want and do.

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired.

"ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:"  We loooooove brown-nosers.

"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac.
When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

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